First, apologies.

No, fuck that. If you don't like this shit, fuck off.

Right, getting on with it then, I've been damn lazy. I wanted to write about having a garden in Bombay. Three friends do, two who live close by but they're abroad and one who lives here but halfway to fucking Poona, man (Chembur). Never got around to that and now the moment's gone.

Then, I went to Delhi, figured out what I want to do when I retire and wanted to write about that. This basically involved a lot of bumming around at the India International Centre, talking walks in the garden, working on my memoirs and other assorted faggy shit in the same kidney (look it up, that's a real phrase). I couldn't be fucked to write that either. I reason that if I'm too bored to write something, nobody's going to want to read it.

Then I contemplated writing some deep shit about the human condition and the essential pointlessness of it all. But I figured it was futile.

Which brings me to the psuedo-apology above. This post consists of three emails exchanged between Charis Charalambous Jason Louca the Second and myself in all their (mostly) unedited glory. Backgound: CCJL2 came to Bombay and stayed with Janine over the new year. In the course of his visit, he attended parties, got drunk with Janine, Riddhi, me and other people who happened to drop by J's place, and gave Rs 500 to a beggar. That last incident led to a minor chase, much running, jumping into a taxi, more running (think Terminator 2), and finally, Janine bonking Charis over the head for spoiling our beggars. Then we all went and got drunk somewhere.

I've had the letters vetted by an outside observer. Her opinion is that they're funny even if you don't know the characters. At some point, I shall ask ol' CCJL2 if he minds that they're now in the public domain.

If you find yourself getting bored, skip directly to the third one and then comeback for context.

Okay, enough chit chat, Chet.

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On Tuesday, January 23, 2007, at 04:23AM, xxxxxxx@aol.com wrote:
Leo 'Boss',

This is just a quick email for you 'my friend' just to say a big thankyou for showing me and the other 'ferengis' around whilst i was in india (i include janine as a 'ferengi' in this statement as she seemed to know as much about sight-seeing as Steve Wonder did, she has unfortunately been well and truly anglicised) but anyway many thanks again for all your time and effort in showing us the interesting and not so interesting parts of mumbaii.

I have to say that i enjoyed my time immensely in india, and that i shall miss the dives and the eunuchs the most as we don't seem to have as many in London. And of course Leo 'Boss' i shall miss you 'my friend' and all your idiosyncrasies. Janine told me that you were very much lacking a 'role-model' or someone 'to look up to' in life, and i'm very glad that i could be the one to fill that void for you. And despite the fact that i may never see you or india again, i hope that i have very much left my impression on you both, in the same way as American Airlines left it's 'impression' on the Twin Towers. In leaving i say to you that im still on the lookout for a 'bling' pair of earrings and a brightly coloured jacket for you, so that you may one day look as cool i do. And also if you could pass on my thanks onto rhiddi as well i would be most grateful, and that i shall remember her for her occasional 'mal' smoking and careful driving, and that she was well and truly a 'cool-chick' (don't worry leo i think your cool too). And that i wish her good luck in her 'true calling' which i believed was writing children's books, or obtaining her own marijuana plantation. till the next time Leo 'dude', which may never be.
My gratitude.

Charis Charalambous Jason Louca the Second.

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From: xxxxxxxxx@mac.com
To: xxxxxxx@aol.com
Sent: Fri, 3 Aug 2007 1.22pm
Subject: Re: (no subject)

charris the two,

i was most gratified to recieve your email, for it is in your kind words that the beauty of humanity lies. had i know what a huge impact you would make upon mineself and mine lifeness, mine very lifeforce, i wouldst no doubt have strived/strove/striven to meet you in the few short months that i and you and j and 7 million other people shared a common physical construct known to world's wider populace as london, but known to us, the residents (whether permanent, temporary or transient), simply as "that ol' shithole".

you can imagine my joy then, when you visited mine very own shithole, this sinking island of 18m people we lovingly refer to as 'the dump'. it was, of course, entirely my pleasure to be honoured such and to be given that once in a lifetime opportunity to take you on a mind-numblingly dull tour of old colonial architecture - the sort you have in spades. i must apologise, however, for the barbaric acts of mine countrymen and citywomen, who, having seen in you and in your lavender/peachish jacket and your profoundly shiny earrings, and your oversize cross - that tribute to your faith - an aura, the sign of a true messiah, flung themselves upon you and your mercy, to the extent of chasing your chariot down one colaba backstreet, babe in arms and all that.

I can only hope and wish and pray that one day our little burg will be so privileged, so lucky, so honoured, as to receive Your Charrisness once more, and to be given the chance to shower upon the Charalambous, all our love and human excrement once again.

i remain, as ever, yours faithfully,
Leo
Oh, and about the earrings and jacket you wish to present to me, all i can say is a humble "bling it on, baby".

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Leo my friend,

You had sent this message to me previously and i had always been meaning to reply to it. But due to unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances my computer managed to befall a rather ill-fated end (I kicked the shit out of it). And hence i was unable to reply to your email. And since there is no time like the present, i decided to wait three weeks before getting round to replying to this one.

I hope this email does find you exceptionally well and that you have maintained your reputation as the young stalwart of bombays timeout magazine. I can assure you that all is well in the 'Britain the Great', and that the english people march the streets with great impunity, with only the constant barrage of rape, murder and terrorist attacks to occupy their trouble-free minds.

The greeks on the other hand are not thriving as we once did. Since the english are all fundamentally racist, they now seem to find it impossible to differentiate between us (the greeks) and any other race that inhabits this island (on a recent trip to a soccer match i was called a 'paki' and told to 'fuck off back to where i came from')

Tragically humous and olive sales are down, and the pitta bread industry is expericing a real low (against 'raised' expectation, 'half-baked' ideas, lack of 'dough', and any other bread joke you care to mention)

This of course has caused real consternation in the greek community, with numerous attempts by community 'elders' (old guys with moustaches) to improve matters. The fear being that if 'the english' start to tire of bread,olives and humous our need for being in the country will be made obsolete and we shall have to return back to our island in the sun, which ironically will be full of english people.

The most exciting thing that has happened since my returning from Mumbaii is i grew a ponytail; which i believed to be the absolute height of fashion. Unfortunately Janine in particular had other ideas and continuously mocked my appearance wherever i went. To the point that i could take the mental torture no more and had the pony-tail i.e 'the extension of my soul' removed forever.

I miss india and its inhabitants greatly and i swear to return again one day (though i fear that there will be many with fingers and toes crossed hopeing i do not) and the true gravity of my desire to return only hit the moment the jet airways plane landed at heathrow airport . I now realise how unfulfilling london truly is, where the girls are not as pretty and the eunuchs are conspicuous by their absence. So leo my friend i hope you realise how great bombay actually is.

I finish this email by saying i wish you well, and that you may one day attain a 'level of cool' that would make you acceptable in cyprus. Also could you also send my kindest regards to Rhiddi and also to janine's parents (the likelihood is that they may not remember me, or more to the point that they wish not to, so could you remind them of 'the hairy greek with earrings and mulitcoloured jackets that imposed himself on their lovely home, wishes them very well) and leo 'boss' i promise to send a 'care' package to you with janine on her return home, which will be filled with all manner of 'bling' and other hideous shiny things. Take care my friend.

Respectfully yours
charis Charalambous Jason Louca the second.




And now, if you could all rise for the Greek national anthem:

Σὲ γνωρίζω ἀπὸ τὴν κόψι
τοῦ σπαθιοῦ τὴν τρομερή,
σὲ γνωρίζω ἀπὸ τὴν ὄψι
ποὺ μὲ βία μετράει τὴ γῆ.
Ἀπ’ τὰ κόκκαλα βγαλμένη
τῶν Ἑλλήνων τὰ ἱερά,
καὶ σὰν πρῶτα ἀνδρειωμένη,
χαῖρε, ὦ χαῖρε, Ἐλευθεριά!

which is to say

Se gnorízo apó tin kópsi
tu spathiú tin tromerí,
se gnorízo apó tin ópsi,
pu me vía metrái ti yi.
Ap' ta kókkala vgalméni
ton Ellínon ta ierá,
ke san próta andhrioméni,
khére, o khére, Eleftheriá!